Winning the Lottery

Winning the lottery requires a friggin miracle because the odds are roughly 1 in 176 million. If you buy 50 tickets a week, you will win the jackpot every 68,000 years.  These are facts.  However, when the jackpot is high and I go and buy a ticket, I love to think about what I would do if I won.  In many ways, I am not buying a lottery ticket...  I am buying a reason to dream.


I love asking people what they would do if they win the lottery. It says a lot about a person and what they value.  Basically, you have removed the primary motivation and driver from someone's life (i.e. money to pay for life's basic needs and luxuries), so what you are left with is a person's true motivations (or lack there of).  A lot of people say travel, charity, or spend more time family/friends.  One of my favorite responses comes from my friend Liddick who always replies "I would break things."  For those of you that know Liddick, this should not be a shocking revelation.  


My answer to this question comes in two parts.  The first thing I would do if I won the lottery is: nothing...  for 30 days.  I wouldn't even cash in the ticket.  Here is how I would proceed:

1. Upon realizing I won the lottery, I would pass out from shock and when I wake up, casually take the winning ticket to a bank and get a safety deposit box.  The ticket goes in the box and there it will sit for 30 days.
2. After the ticket is secure, I will create a new note in Evernote and start recording all of things I plan to do.  Consider this a bucket list of sorts.
3. I would proceed with my normal life.  I would go to work, hang with friends/family, etc. for 30 days, all the while noting down anything that pops to mind as something I want to do.
4. Towards the end of the 30 days, I would start contacting estate/financial planners to layout the steps of cashing in my lottery ticket.  This would most likely entail setting up a corporation that would officially accept the lottery winnings and then I have the ability to write off expenses against the company's "profits" to reduce my taxable footprint.
5. After 30 days, I should have a pretty good list of things as well as a plan on how to cash the ticket.  I would then go back to my safety deposit box and cash my ticket...

The second part of my answer will speak to the majority of items on my list... I would mess with people.  I would have a list of pranks and random things that I would do to keep me entertained with my new found wealth.  Here are just a couple of items that come to mind:


1) I have always wanted a stenographer to follow me around and record stuff that I and others say.  There are so many nights out that funny crap is said and I can't remember it the next day.  With my stenographer, I could have all events recapped for me.  Oh...  and the stenographer will be a midget that can fit in a backpack that I wear around.
2) I have a co-worker (we will call him Ryan) who was out in Nashville on a drunken night.  He was texting me saying how random it was that he ran into one of my other coworkers from Baltimore (we will call him Johnny) and that he partied with him all night.  I casually mentioned to Johnny that it must have been cool to have met up with Ryan...  to which Johnny replied that he wasn't in Nashville.  Ryan even had a picture to prove that Johnny was there...  but Johnny could prove that he had never left Baltimore.  Ryan had partied with Johnny's doppelganger.  What does this story have to do with winning the lottery?  Well, I would make it my mission to know when Ryan was flying to some random city and pay Johnny to go there and be a random sighting for Ryan.  The goal would be to convince Ryan that he was going crazy.


Here are other items that would be on my list:
1)  I would write a manifesto of improvements and suggestions for Constellation and send it out to the entire company to peruse.  After being there for 9 years, I have seen the good and the bad and there are a lot of things that could be done to help the company.  This would be part of my 30 days and I would send it out before I cashed in my ticket.
2) Write a book.  Already got an idea for it.
3) Have an internet based business with a financial focus.
4) Go to South Africa and watch Great Whites breach.  Holy.  Friggin. Crap.

An Arbitrary View of Marriage

A friend of mine is going through the bittersweet process of divorce and his saga got me thinking about the Pros and Cons of marriage.  He is pretty adamant that there is absolutely no reason to ever get married but I think he may be a little biased based on his current situation.  Regardless, he did make some excellent points as to why he thought marriage was not worth it.

Here is my attempt to look at the institution of marriage as arbitrarily as possible...  I will try to keep the fact that the vast majority of my family has been divorced not skew my view too much.

First, a little movie clip to get us in the right frame of mind...

Speech impediments rock.

Now, I do not want this to turn into a religious debate because there is no argument when it comes to someone's faith.  Instead, I will focus on the more secular aspects of marriage.

Why people should get married:
1) Sharing Employer Sponsored Healthcare
            This is a pretty common one.  Sharing benefits is definitely an advantage over a couple that is not contractually married.

2) Filing Taxes
           I stole this from another website: According to a Congressional Budget Office analysis, 51% of married couples paid less filing jointly than they would have filing alone as singles, saving an average of $1,300. Interestingly, the more disparate their incomes, the more they saved. Of course, the benefit decreases if you earn a very similar income to your spouse, like 40% of dual-income couples today.

3) Spousal Rights
           As a married couple, you have more rights to be with your spouse in times of crisis such as at a hospital.  This is a subtle Pro over couples that are not married.

4) Death and transition of assets/taxes
            In a marriage, when a spouse dies wrongfully, the partner can sue for wrongful death. Also, there is never an estate tax when assets are passed between spouses.

5) Kids...  the true life long commitment
               I used to think that getting married was important for the sole reason of having kids.  Why else would someone sign a life long contract without a life long responsibility?  But the truth is that a marriage and kids does not make it any different as far as keeping a successful relationship.  I will say that it is more socially acceptable to be married with kids and it is also socially easier when the children have the same last name as the parents.

Why people should NOT get married:
1) Hard to find happy marriages
                This isn't quantitative at all but there are not many marriages in this world that I want my relationship to emulate.  In the absence of solid examples of success, how can one hope to achieve?  A good marriage is rare.  When you finally say "I do," will you be one of the lucky ones?  Statistics say no.

2) Divorce Repercussions
                Simply put: the fear of divorce.  Based on what I have seen, divorce is one of the most crippling events in life as far as financials are concerned.  When you get married, you enter into a three-way contract: you, your spouse, and the state.  When you want to break that contract, lawyers swoop in at exorbitant rates to help you get all that you can...  which ends up being much less after the lawyers fee.  Children become bargaining chips in custody battles and child support/alimony arrangements.


Overall, do the benefits of marriage outweigh the repercussions of divorce?  I would say no...  but then marriage isn't a logical decision - it is about love.  But, as Ambrose Pierce defined love in The Devil's Dictionary: "Love is temporary insanity cured by marriage."

Should Men Read 50 Shades of Grey?

Every human without a Y chromosome is going nuts over 50 Shades of Grey.  For better or worse, women have latched on to the books and where women used to talk about the latest episode of "Real Housewives of Wrinkly Neck County" is now filled with hushed whispers regarding S&M and hard limits.  My main question with the recent wave of popularity is whether men should read 50 Shades of Grey?

To answer this deeply philosophical question, why not go through the pros and cons...

Cons:
1) 50 Shades is erotic literature.  Men do not need this.  We have porn.
2) S&M is stupid and every man thinks the same thing when someone says anything related to bondage...

3) Let's be honest...  Are you going to read this in public?  The same reason you do not flip open a Playboy while waiting for your plane to board is the same reason you will not read 50 Shades in public.

4) Reading takes time and, as I have mentioned before, time should be viewed as an investment. Do you want to invest key reading time into these books?

5) Prepare to get freaked out: Do you want to read the same erotic literature that your Mom (and possibly your grandmother!) is reading?  Let that horrific thought ripple through your psyche...  now pick up your phone and setup that therapy appointment you have been putting off for years...

Pros:
1) Your girlfriend/wife/friend with benefits asked you to read it because she wants to try some of the stuff in it...

Resolution:
As the book title implies, the answer to this question is not black and white but has some grey.  No man should ever read these books...  unless prompted by their partner.  I am on Chapter 4...

I'm Not Him

Rule #436 of Social Etiquette: Never tell someone that they resemble a famous person.

Why?  Because you are projecting all the truths, lies, stigmas, and overall impressions of that famous person onto someone else.  You are also stripping the person of any individuality.  They are now simply a celebrity impersonator...

Over the years, I have gotten compared to a couple celebrities and nearly all of them have pissed me off.

1) The Dell Guy

I still remember it.  I was in college and this little italian kid came up to me at a party.  He stood on his tippy toes to tap me on the shoulder and I find myself staring at some guido I had never seen before in my life.

Guido: "Say it?"

Me: "Say what?"

Guido: "Say it?"

Me: "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Guido: "Say 'Dude you are getting a Dell'."

I am amazed and pissed.  I seriously considered punching him in the face but decided to just walk away.  This still pisses me off.  I should have hit him.

Dell Guy ended up getting busted for weed and quickly died out.  Thank God.

2) Craigslist Killer

Nothing like resembling a murderer.  My loving coworkers in Louisville had a field day with this when the news came out and low resolution pictures like the one above started coming out.  Luckily this died out pretty quickly...  though I definitely wore a hoodie to the bar for Halloween and owned my resemblance...

3) Old Nick Carter

I don't even know who this goober is but Maryn sent me a note telling me that I was a poor woman's Nick Carter.  I don't know if I was more insulted for being compared to him or being a poor woman's version of him.

4) Daniel Craig

This is actually one that I am fine with.  Who doesn't want to be compared to James Bond?  This guy is only a billion times more awesome than me but I will take the comparison even if it is only from a distance...  at night...  in a downpour...

Asset Allocation of Life?

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." - Socrates


"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates


"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." - Thoreau, Walden

I spend a ridiculous amount of time (apparently 2% of my life...  see below) reading about personal finance and making sure I have a clear plan on my investments.  I make sure that my investments are on track and that I am doing everything I can to ensure I am managing my money wisely...  So why am I not doing the same thing with my life?


Time is money.  Time well spent.  As a society, we frequently refer to time as currency.  There was even a movie made regarding the concept...  it wasn't bad at all actually.

JT rocks.

This had me thinking that my time is currently spread across so many different things.  The influx of 24 hour news is a constant distraction as I am inundated with Facebook status updates, tweets, stock prices, NFL news, etc.  I really doubt my brain is consuming 1% of all of this.  I equate this to a stock portfolio with hundreds of stocks that were bought on pure impulse whenever a news article came in.  If I was an financial advisor for this type of portfolio, I would prepare for a complete overhaul...  after I stopped ranting about how awful a portfolio this was.


So, here is my attempt to gauge my current life allocation and then lay out what changes I think need to be made.


My methodology is based on 8,736 hours in a year (24*7*52).  I estimated the amount of time I spend on a given activity into "hours per year."  This number divided by 8,736 gives me the percent of my life I spend on something annually.  My estimates are severely subjective, qualitative, and anecdotal -  and I am an English major - so please don't look too deep into my data. 


Here is my current life allocation as I see it.

And yes...  I do love pie charts.

And for those who don't think I actually put some math into this little exercise, here are my underlying assumptions.

Group	Category	Pct	Explanations
Mandatory	Sleep	33%	8 hours a night on average.
Mandatory	Administrative	2%	4 hours a week to do the things required in life. With no kids or wife, this is easy and consists of dry cleaning and minimal grocery shopping.
Work	Employment	30%	10 hour days times 5 business days. Includes travel time for work. I have also assumed that when I am at work but doing one of the other activities on this list, that time is NOT counted in the work estimate.
Life	Ross Poker Tour	1%	My ongoing monthly poker tournament that is in its 8th year. 1 night a month for 7 hours. 1 hour a month on average for admin.
Life	NFL/Fantasy Football	4%	10 home games, 12 hours each. 10 hours every week I am not at the game. I am counting pre-season because I am a super fan. 3 hours a week for fantasy football. 8 hours every weekend for playoffs. 2 hours a week for 6 months during the offseason. 12 hours for the NFL Draft (which is awesome).
Life	Personal Finance	2%	4 hours a week. Microsoft Money, trading, stocks information, articles, blogs, forums.
Life	Reading	2%	4 hours a week reading true paper and not random drivel on the interwebs.
Life	Pointless Internet	17%	Because I don't watch TV… this is my time suck. 4 hours a day on average. Includes youtube, Facebook, yahoo articles, emailing, this blog, Diablo III (damn you Cubbage), and the randomness of whatever appeals to me at that exact moment.
Life	Going out/Dining Out/Hanging Out	9%	I am crippled right now but usually 15 hours a week I would say. This includes happy hours, dining out, and general socializing with friends and family.

You may be thinking...

...  but this is the good part.  Here are my thoughts on the above:

1. Pointless Internet.
• I dropped my cable and overall TV watching back in January of 2011...  yet I have filled its worthless space with just a different time suck.
• I am addicted to internet and I know it.  There is no methadone or rehab for this.  I need some higher force to make sure that I only get a known allocation... I am like a child who needs some structure...  so why not get an electronic parent?  Enter the EZ internet timer.  http://www.internettimer.net/
• I am going to hold myself to 14 hours a week (2 hours a night average).  That would be a 50% decrease in the amount of time spent.  Some things I plan to do is setup my new services to send me a daily email summary. Do I really need real-time information?  No.  I can check out recent happenings in the world in a daily email and proceed with my life.
• Is this too bold?  No.  Nothing miraculous or life changing will happen while mindlessly scouring the internet with no true purpose.  Instead...  I will increase my allocation of...
2. Going out/Dining Out/Hanging Out
• The best things that happen in life are when you are with other people.  I cannot think of a single awesome memory where I was alone.  So why am I not investing more of my life into something that has much higher upside?
• To get back to our portfolio example above, pointless internet is like sticking money under your mattress.  It feels safe but you are ignoring the effects of inflation, interest, dividends, etc.  Hanging with friends and family is more like investing in the stock market.  Sure there are going to be highs and lows with some unexpected volatility but in the long run, you will be much better off.
3. Reading
• My brain processes true paper-based reading way better than it does anything on the computer because I am focused on just one thing.  On the computer, I am listening to music while watching youtube and reading finance forums.  My brain is flooded with information.  It is like the entire Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squad seductively dancing for you.  It is awesome but you can't remember one detail about any of the girls.  It is just too much to take in.
• I like reading.  It relaxes me and allows me to slow down.  I need to increase this as well.  If I am going to be alone somewhere, I would prefer reading rather than pointless internet
4. Everything Else...
• People need hobbies.  Mine is NFL, personal finance, and poker.  When I look at these items, they are either social and/or profitable.  These are good ways to spend time in my humble opinion and I enjoy them.
• My work/life balance is fine.  Everybody can find something to complain about their employment (I know I have my fair share) but in the end, you have to ask yourself "is it really that bad?"  I have a job that challenges me and I like the people I work with.  At the end of the day, those are the two basic things I need to be happy in my job...  oh...  and a decent wage...  but that goes without saying.

I hope to make some changes as I get back on my feet and being able to look back at these posts will be a reminder to stay focused on how life is spent.  

In the scope of the world, how I spend my time is trivial but stopping to assess one's life is powerful.  If more people took the time to do a little introspection and empowering themselves to correct the areas that are lacking, we might actually have some people that want to do the same thing for America (become good politicians... is that an oxymoron?).

Things I Think I Think 1.0: Gay Marriage and Taxes

In a small homage to Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback, here is an initial list of Things I Think I Think:

1) Gay marriage has less to do with religion and social mores than it does entitlement programs and financial ramifications. Why would the federal government care if two people of the same sex got married?  At best it is a state government issue but the real issue is that same sex marriages impact social security, immigration, taxes, and health insurance.  We don't like to think of marriage as a financial contract with the state but it is effectively a threesome: Him, Her, and the Government.  As such, while we may talk about the ethical aspects of gay marriage, it is really the financial impacts of providing "spousal" benefits through social security, naturalization through same sex marriages, extending spousal coverage for health insurance, and additional deductions for income tax.  Because we have socialized certain aspects of our economy and society, expanding the legal definition of marriage to include same sex marriages will result in financial impacts on all Americans.  Though I am sure there are many honest gay couples that deserve these changes, there will definitely be corruption and abuse that will insist upon even more regulation from a government that cannot afford the regulation it currently does.  With my libertarian views, I would prefer that we remove social security, income tax (see below), and employer sponsored health insurance that way this issue is truly a state level decision whether to support same sex unions or not.  The immigration element could be handled through even more bureaucracy at the federal level but overall it would be a modicum of the issue it is today.

2) The current income tax structure is horribly complicated and inefficient.  I have only donated money to one political cause in my life and that is the FairTax.  To put it simply, it proposes taxation of spending rather than income.  The benefits of this are huge.  I will just talk to a few of the most notable:

A) In 2009, there were 140 million income tax submissions to the IRS.  In contrast, roughly 5000 businesses collect 98% of the tax revenue.  Just think how much easier it is to audit 5000+ businesses than it is to ensure compliance of 140 million tax payers.
B) When tourists come to America and spend money, they are paying our taxes.
C) When any under the table revenue is earned (drug dealers, cash payments, illegal immigrants, etc.), taxes are paid.
D) Investments are no longer taxed.  Thus, when you save money and earn interest, you only pay taxes when you spend the money.  Likewise with investments.  I will no longer need to think about the "tax consequences" of making an investment decision.

These are just a few of the highlights.  Change is hard but the current structure is not supportable as our country continues to grow.

Its the Freaking Weekend

Under the circumstances, things are progressing quite well.  It is now Day 6 and my pain is down to basically nothing.  The only time the ankle bothers me is at night.  I keep it propped up at night on top of some pillows but I think the ankle gets cranky when it stays in one place for too long.  It woke me up a few times early this morning.  The pain is just a mild throbbing that disappears as soon as I move around a little.

Friday marked the first drinks I have had since the surgery. Glen and I enjoyed some excellent T&T's and pretty soon, I was feeling pretty good.  Not the best thing to do when on crutches but I wasn't moving around too much for it to matter.

Carly came by Friday night and brought some dark chocolate non-pareils and asked the eternal question of what is a pareil and why is it excluded from these delicious confectionary treats?  Regardless, I found it amusing that my family has been eating non-pareils for as long as I can remember and apparently hers has as well.  Must be an Essex thing.

When Carly came over, it really gave me perspective on my current situation.  Here is a 30 year old man at his Mom's house who requires crutches to move around.  Definitely not the type of impression you want to make in an early relationship.  Should provide some extra motivation in physical therapy to get me back to functional.

Saturday was one of the nicest days of the year and I hung outside for most of it.  Mr. Tinker stopped by and brought some tuna fish and cards...  also known as a "Parkville Care Package."  Good man.  We grilled up some burgers and chatted it up out on the deck then played Golf;  A game with just enough skill and luck to be mindless fun.

Sunday was Mother's Day and I once again gave her the best gift a mother could ever want: a handicapped son  to wait on.  Who needs cards or flowers?  We went over to my brother's for a nice cookout.  My niece (4) was rather curious what happened to me and Gavin (13) thought that the crutches were his new toy. I kept giving him random "crutch challenges" to do like "go get 2 bottles of water and bring them back" or "leaving the crutches at my size, go all the way over there and back."  At least he wasn't playing video games.

The follow-up doctor's appointment is on Thursday and I should get the stitches out and get put into my boot again.  That will be my first time to see the wound.  I am pretty sure it will be a nice size cut and I will also be sure to snap some pictures.  I think things are coming along right on schedule but it is just the start of a long road.  I keep reminding myself to be patient and repeating my new mantra: "Soon enough."