Winning the Lottery

Winning the lottery requires a friggin miracle because the odds are roughly 1 in 176 million. If you buy 50 tickets a week, you will win the jackpot every 68,000 years.  These are facts.  However, when the jackpot is high and I go and buy a ticket, I love to think about what I would do if I won.  In many ways, I am not buying a lottery ticket...  I am buying a reason to dream.


I love asking people what they would do if they win the lottery. It says a lot about a person and what they value.  Basically, you have removed the primary motivation and driver from someone's life (i.e. money to pay for life's basic needs and luxuries), so what you are left with is a person's true motivations (or lack there of).  A lot of people say travel, charity, or spend more time family/friends.  One of my favorite responses comes from my friend Liddick who always replies "I would break things."  For those of you that know Liddick, this should not be a shocking revelation.  


My answer to this question comes in two parts.  The first thing I would do if I won the lottery is: nothing...  for 30 days.  I wouldn't even cash in the ticket.  Here is how I would proceed:

1. Upon realizing I won the lottery, I would pass out from shock and when I wake up, casually take the winning ticket to a bank and get a safety deposit box.  The ticket goes in the box and there it will sit for 30 days.
2. After the ticket is secure, I will create a new note in Evernote and start recording all of things I plan to do.  Consider this a bucket list of sorts.
3. I would proceed with my normal life.  I would go to work, hang with friends/family, etc. for 30 days, all the while noting down anything that pops to mind as something I want to do.
4. Towards the end of the 30 days, I would start contacting estate/financial planners to layout the steps of cashing in my lottery ticket.  This would most likely entail setting up a corporation that would officially accept the lottery winnings and then I have the ability to write off expenses against the company's "profits" to reduce my taxable footprint.
5. After 30 days, I should have a pretty good list of things as well as a plan on how to cash the ticket.  I would then go back to my safety deposit box and cash my ticket...

The second part of my answer will speak to the majority of items on my list... I would mess with people.  I would have a list of pranks and random things that I would do to keep me entertained with my new found wealth.  Here are just a couple of items that come to mind:


1) I have always wanted a stenographer to follow me around and record stuff that I and others say.  There are so many nights out that funny crap is said and I can't remember it the next day.  With my stenographer, I could have all events recapped for me.  Oh...  and the stenographer will be a midget that can fit in a backpack that I wear around.
2) I have a co-worker (we will call him Ryan) who was out in Nashville on a drunken night.  He was texting me saying how random it was that he ran into one of my other coworkers from Baltimore (we will call him Johnny) and that he partied with him all night.  I casually mentioned to Johnny that it must have been cool to have met up with Ryan...  to which Johnny replied that he wasn't in Nashville.  Ryan even had a picture to prove that Johnny was there...  but Johnny could prove that he had never left Baltimore.  Ryan had partied with Johnny's doppelganger.  What does this story have to do with winning the lottery?  Well, I would make it my mission to know when Ryan was flying to some random city and pay Johnny to go there and be a random sighting for Ryan.  The goal would be to convince Ryan that he was going crazy.


Here are other items that would be on my list:
1)  I would write a manifesto of improvements and suggestions for Constellation and send it out to the entire company to peruse.  After being there for 9 years, I have seen the good and the bad and there are a lot of things that could be done to help the company.  This would be part of my 30 days and I would send it out before I cashed in my ticket.
2) Write a book.  Already got an idea for it.
3) Have an internet based business with a financial focus.
4) Go to South Africa and watch Great Whites breach.  Holy.  Friggin. Crap.

An Arbitrary View of Marriage

A friend of mine is going through the bittersweet process of divorce and his saga got me thinking about the Pros and Cons of marriage.  He is pretty adamant that there is absolutely no reason to ever get married but I think he may be a little biased based on his current situation.  Regardless, he did make some excellent points as to why he thought marriage was not worth it.

Here is my attempt to look at the institution of marriage as arbitrarily as possible...  I will try to keep the fact that the vast majority of my family has been divorced not skew my view too much.

First, a little movie clip to get us in the right frame of mind...

Speech impediments rock.

Now, I do not want this to turn into a religious debate because there is no argument when it comes to someone's faith.  Instead, I will focus on the more secular aspects of marriage.

Why people should get married:
1) Sharing Employer Sponsored Healthcare
            This is a pretty common one.  Sharing benefits is definitely an advantage over a couple that is not contractually married.

2) Filing Taxes
           I stole this from another website: According to a Congressional Budget Office analysis, 51% of married couples paid less filing jointly than they would have filing alone as singles, saving an average of $1,300. Interestingly, the more disparate their incomes, the more they saved. Of course, the benefit decreases if you earn a very similar income to your spouse, like 40% of dual-income couples today.

3) Spousal Rights
           As a married couple, you have more rights to be with your spouse in times of crisis such as at a hospital.  This is a subtle Pro over couples that are not married.

4) Death and transition of assets/taxes
            In a marriage, when a spouse dies wrongfully, the partner can sue for wrongful death. Also, there is never an estate tax when assets are passed between spouses.

5) Kids...  the true life long commitment
               I used to think that getting married was important for the sole reason of having kids.  Why else would someone sign a life long contract without a life long responsibility?  But the truth is that a marriage and kids does not make it any different as far as keeping a successful relationship.  I will say that it is more socially acceptable to be married with kids and it is also socially easier when the children have the same last name as the parents.

Why people should NOT get married:
1) Hard to find happy marriages
                This isn't quantitative at all but there are not many marriages in this world that I want my relationship to emulate.  In the absence of solid examples of success, how can one hope to achieve?  A good marriage is rare.  When you finally say "I do," will you be one of the lucky ones?  Statistics say no.

2) Divorce Repercussions
                Simply put: the fear of divorce.  Based on what I have seen, divorce is one of the most crippling events in life as far as financials are concerned.  When you get married, you enter into a three-way contract: you, your spouse, and the state.  When you want to break that contract, lawyers swoop in at exorbitant rates to help you get all that you can...  which ends up being much less after the lawyers fee.  Children become bargaining chips in custody battles and child support/alimony arrangements.


Overall, do the benefits of marriage outweigh the repercussions of divorce?  I would say no...  but then marriage isn't a logical decision - it is about love.  But, as Ambrose Pierce defined love in The Devil's Dictionary: "Love is temporary insanity cured by marriage."

Should Men Read 50 Shades of Grey?

Every human without a Y chromosome is going nuts over 50 Shades of Grey.  For better or worse, women have latched on to the books and where women used to talk about the latest episode of "Real Housewives of Wrinkly Neck County" is now filled with hushed whispers regarding S&M and hard limits.  My main question with the recent wave of popularity is whether men should read 50 Shades of Grey?

To answer this deeply philosophical question, why not go through the pros and cons...

Cons:
1) 50 Shades is erotic literature.  Men do not need this.  We have porn.
2) S&M is stupid and every man thinks the same thing when someone says anything related to bondage...

3) Let's be honest...  Are you going to read this in public?  The same reason you do not flip open a Playboy while waiting for your plane to board is the same reason you will not read 50 Shades in public.

4) Reading takes time and, as I have mentioned before, time should be viewed as an investment. Do you want to invest key reading time into these books?

5) Prepare to get freaked out: Do you want to read the same erotic literature that your Mom (and possibly your grandmother!) is reading?  Let that horrific thought ripple through your psyche...  now pick up your phone and setup that therapy appointment you have been putting off for years...

Pros:
1) Your girlfriend/wife/friend with benefits asked you to read it because she wants to try some of the stuff in it...

Resolution:
As the book title implies, the answer to this question is not black and white but has some grey.  No man should ever read these books...  unless prompted by their partner.  I am on Chapter 4...